Why Perfectionism Feels Safer Than Being Yourself
Perfectionism often shows up as a quiet yet powerful force in people’s lives. On the surface, it can look like high standards, strong motivation, or a drive to excel. Underneath, though, perfectionism is rarely about wanting things to be flawless—it’s about wanting to feel safe.
For many people, it is rooted in old attachment wounds, times when love or belonging felt uncertain, and achievement became the way to secure connection. If the message you absorbed was “I’ll be accepted when I get everything right,” it makes sense that striving for perfection feels like protection.
Often I see perfectionist who are also navigating anxiety and/or disordered eating. Anxiety often feeds perfectionism. When your nervous system is on high alert, scanning for mistakes or anticipating judgment, the urge to polish every detail can be a way to try to quiet the fear. Completing something “perfectly” provides temporary relief, but the cycle never really ends. Each time, the brain learns that safety depends on getting it right, reinforcing the belief that imperfection equals danger.
Eating disorders can also become interwoven with perfectionism, with the mind focusing on food, weight, and body. Rigid rules or relentless standards create the illusion of control in a world that feels unpredictable. But instead of providing safety, these patterns often intensify shame, self-criticism, and disconnection from one’s true needs.
Why Perfectionism is Hard to Let Go
Perfectionism can feel safer than showing up as your authentic self, because the stakes seem impossibly high:
If I’m perfect, I can’t be rejected.
If I’m perfect, I won’t make a mistake I’ll regret.
If I’m perfect, maybe I’ll finally feel good enough.
But here’s the paradox: the more perfectionism tries to protect you, the more it keeps you locked in fear. It distances you from others, leaves little room for rest or joy, and convinces you that your worth is always one step out of reach.
How to Gently Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip
You don’t need to wage war against perfectionism. Fighting it often makes it dig in deeper. Instead, you can begin to soften your relationship with it:
Notice the part, not the whole. Try saying, “I’m noticing a perfectionistic part of me” instead of “I am a perfectionist.” This creates space between who you are and the protective strategies you’ve learned.
Offer compassion. Perfectionism has been working hard to protect you. Acknowledge the effort, even as you decide you no longer need it in charge.
Turn toward values. Ask, “What matters to me more than getting this perfect?”—maybe connection, rest, or creativity. Then take one small action toward that value, even if it’s imperfect.
Experiment with safe risks. Allow yourself to send the email with a typo, leave a dish unwashed, or share an idea that’s not polished. These small experiments teach your nervous system that safety can exist even when things aren’t flawless.
Loosening perfectionism is not about lowering your standards or ignoring your responsibilities. It’s about no longer letting fear dictate the terms of your life. It’s about discovering that you are worthy of love and belonging, even when things are unfinished, messy, or human.
If you notice perfectionism showing up in your own life, you don’t have to push it away or let it run the show. At Pace Yourself Counseling Collective, I use approaches like ACT and Internal Family Systems to help you understand the protective role perfectionism plays and to create space for self-compassion and authentic living.
If you’d like support, please reach out to schedule a free consultation. You can also start exploring gently on your own by downloading the free Imperfect Action Journal, a simple guide with prompts to help you notice perfectionistic parts and practice values-based steps at your own pace.